The Prayer

I sat alone in my room, determined not to leave until God answered me.  What was the point of living if He didn't?  I was tired of wasting my life, tired of regrets, tired of irreversible mistakes.  I wanted an answer.  The answer. 

What is the purpose of my life?

Why go on if I didn't know?  What would keep me from regrets, wasted time and relationships, consequences?  If only I knew why I existed, I could use my time wisely.  I won't leave this room.  I won't do anything else until I know. 

The sun is rising.  The rays increase.  How beautiful!  I will give God until the sun sets.  I mean no disrespect.  I just have to know. 

God, what is my purpose?  What did you have in mind when you created me?  What did you imagine my life to be?

Six hours pass.  Noon day sun shines through my window.  Beautiful!  I don't want God to wait to the last minute.  I mean this with all due respect.  I don't want Him to answer at sunset, or right before.  I don't want the suspense.  I actually just want to know now.  Of course I can't force God's hand.  What am I going to do, threaten suicide if He doesn't answer me now? 

But why should I live for the next ten minutes, the next ten seconds even, if I don't know why I'm here?  I have to know.  And I have to know now.  Why shouldn't I?  With all due respect, God I feel you owe me this.  Please answer me.

I know I said I give You until sunset, but I'm rethinking it.  What am I supposed to do until then, six hours from now?  I guess my purpose is to find my purpose.  But what after that?  I can't spend the rest of my life, or even this day, just searching.  I won't.  I have to know now.  But even that seems unreasonable.  Alright.  God, with all due respect, I'll give you seven minutes.  Seven seems like a holy number and all...and it's enough time for time to elapse, but not so long that it seems pointless.  Why does it take anytime at all for the Creator to answer His creature.  With all due respect. 

Alright.  If you don't answer me in 7 minutes, I'll end my life.  I'll overdose on pain relievers and die in my sleep...hopefully...I'm sorry...I'm not trying to give you ultimatums or anything...I don't know how else to get your attention...but I really don't mean any disrespect...

6 minutes left.

Wow.  In less than six minutes I'll be dead.  I'm sorry God.  Please forgive me.  Man.  How do I know I won't go straight to hell?  I'm killing myself in less than 5 minutes.

4 minutes left.

God, please forgive me for all of the things I've said and done to disrespect you, even this ridiculous time limit I'm giving you....

2 minutes left.

Something is standing out to me...I seem to care a lot about respecting You, and a lot about disrespecting You...

1 minute left.

I don't want to die.  I don't want to take a life that's not mine. 

My life is not mine! 

It's God's! 

I should respect God by staying alive!

7 minutes passed.

God, I'm alive.  And I'm yours.  Being Yours is my purpose.  Thank you for your patience.

I went to my favorite dock later that day and watched the sun set.  Glad to be alive.  Glad to belong to the God of sunrises and sunsets.  Belonging to God gives my life meaning.  Enough meaning to keep living.  Enough meaning to keep being.  I realized, or rather I was shown, that being exactly what I am in my purpose.  When I am true to what God made me to be, I am fulfilling my purpose.  Simple.  Do what I like.  Be what I am.  Because what I like and what I am is what God made me to be.  Again, simple.  Most of God's revelations are.  It's like I was remembering something I had forgotten.  Or like seeing a blue jay in a tree that had been there for some time.  It's hard to explain, but God did answer me...in less than 7 minutes.