The feeling (A Short Story)

I realized that I hate God.  I wouldn't admit it at first, but I can't deny it now.  This is how I came to know the truth about myself.

One day I was home alone and my house was quiet.  Silent even.  I was in bed, about to get up, but not quite ready to get out of bed.  So I couldn't turn on any noise.  I needed the noise.  TV.  Music.  Something.  It was just too quiet.  All I could hear were my thoughts.  And something else actually.

I don't know if I can describe it, but I'm sure you've felt it too.  It's like the clichéd sound of silence, the silence behind the silence, the stillness behind the stillness.  That's what I hated.  That feeling behind the feeling, like someone was watching and listening. Not like a criminal or stalker or anything.  Someone worse.  Worse isn't a good word.  I felt watched and heard and known.  Exposed.  Alone, but not alone.  I realized that this feeling never really leaves.  Not really.  Even when I put on all the noise, it's there, but I can ignore it better.  But "it" is not an it...I came to see.  Because an it can't listen to me or watch me or know me.  I didn't hate an it.  I hated the eyes that see what I really am and hear what I'm really saying...even what I'm thinking.  In fact, all I was doing was thinking lazily in my bed, and I knew that He was in my head...seeing me, knowing me.  I wanted him to leave me alone.  To be really left alone.  To just enjoy being by myself in my house for once.  Maybe that's it.  When He's around, which is all the time, I don't feel like it's my house, or my life, or my head...not really.  I don't feel like I'm a slave or anything...but I do feel like He's...well...God.  Everywhere.  Knowing everything.  I can't make Him leave.  And I hate Him for that.  I realize that I hate Him for being Him.  Why is He so free?  Why can't I be that free?  Why does He get to be the only God?

So I hate Him...which makes me evil...but what is evil any way?  Whose to say.